I dont mind if it rains or freezes, as long as i got my plastic Jesus...

Kieran in a convent

Well, with the weather we have been having in Melbourne, i wouldn't be surprised if it did freeze, we have had just about every other kind of weather, and today it will be 30 something, hip hip hurrah, burn all the warm clothes!!!

So, the other day i was walking around the Abbotsford convent and i was thinking how a religion could be based on:

• A guy with long hair?
• He never had a job
• He was an outcast
• No girlfriend
• Liked hanging out with his mates all the time
• And was Jewish?

What comes to mind is John Safron, i watched his excellent series 'Race relations', in this series he did do a bit of a stint to try to see what life was like for the man they call Jesus

John, getting nailed!

I thought, if Jesus came back (no one's seen much from him in about 2000 years) 

• Would he go to Balaclava? (Balaclava, being a big Jewish area in Melbourne)
• What would he look like? Maybe he's have a new hair style, dress sense, shoes and maybe man bag?
• Would he laugh at the whole religion thing and say he was going through a bit of a 'phase' at the time?
• What would he make of Scientology, Tom Cruise or Tom Cruise in his Mission Impossible movie?

If he did go to Balaclava, would all the Christians go there and worship some Jewish hippy, throwing themselves at his feet saying...

'We will do anything you say, save us!! We're sorry about the last time, we wont do it again'

I know what your thinking, me too in fact. Would Jesus like the band Slayer?

I'd ask John Safron! If anybody would know he would. In his series race relations he:

• Got nailed to the cross
• Married Bin Laden's cousin (in front of his strict Jewish relatives)
• Donated sperm in a Palestinian sperm bank 
• Got his sound man to donate sperm for him in an Israel sperm bank (class!!)
• Dressed up as an Asian chick in Thailand, went on a date with a guy and got drunk, while bitching about John Safran

In fact John lives in Balaclava, he has a flat up the road there!
What would Jesus say or do? I'm beginning to think, if there was a Jesus that was coming back, how do we know John is the man? Some people love him, some hate him? He seems to fit the bill?

'Oh fu$k off, not you lot again? Fu@k off!'

I think he would, after the way he was treated and he might want to have a begal, with cream cheese and he would be in the right area for it too!

First things first...

Would he even understand us, or Latin for that matter? All church mass used to be in Latin, it was the language of god, this is why no one understood it, least of all the people that were in church.

Which didn't really matter if they understood, if the priest was speaking Latin, obviously he was closer to god, and this meant that if God was on his break, having a bagel (or what ever the equivalent is?) he would know what was on, maybe like how you might sit down with your dinner and watch the Simpson's?

Or, maybe not? To anybody else that never had much schooling, to the common man it could have been bingo, in Latin, without the Bingo!

Bingo!!

People in Bible camps seem to think that they speak ancient languages, but what they dont realise is that they are being manipulated and worked up in a frenzy, since they cant even speak english too good, and since most haven't been outside their post code, been it might sound like another language?

Would Jesus understand this?

Some they think they are speaking some dialect Jesus spoke, why couldn't Jesus speak American?

Question is would Jesus understand, people who's brain is being starved of oxygen and were hyper ventilating?  Of course, he would.

And then i thought of Steve Mc Queen, an actor i loved on screen, (apparently he was a real ass h*le  off screen)

'I dont mind if it rains or freezes, as long as i got my plastic Jesus'

Maybe i need to connect with my inner Jesus? Before someone nails me to a cross and starts worshipping me?

And thats what i was thinking, walking around the gardens of the Abotsford convent, the other day