Oh please, if it's such a scandal, then why am I laughing?

Here comes the big.........

So, imagine my surprise, last night, I’m flicking through the TV channels, as is as usual procedure, while navigating a fork of 2 minute noodles, maybe doing a bit of 'Open wide, here comes the big aeroplane'? And food goes in, food being anything I can find in the cupboard, which has been lovingly prepared, for less than 10 minutes, each minute consisting of 60 seconds, normal, isn't it and as you would expect? Right, just any other normal night?

Iron chef

But enough of my Iron Chef and aeronautic prowess on that and any other Monday evening, let us today discuss something that I’ve been told is rocking the world and is making me laugh, at the same time, interested? Read on....

Now, it would appear Pakistan have made the news, not because of the natural disaster, where 20 million have been affected, who cares, Right? No, you’re wrong; it's all because of Cricket.

A couple of Cricketers will know this feeling soon

Now, like any criminal in jail will tell you, the thing that screws you up, after you do a job (because it's a job, if you happen to be a criminal) is in fact, blabbing about it! And in any language you choose, that a tabloid newspaper would understand and maybe a few colour pictures or colourful language maybe wouldn't hurt either? Words you might not want to mention are 'Fix, match, ball and no', confused? Why read on reader and I will try and unravel this confusing cricket Christmas light’s saga.

Now, some Pakistani guy, blabbed (this is all it takes) to the wrong people, namely of course, (wrong for him, right for the rest of the world) the News of the World, a paper held in huge regard by folks in the last remaining strong hold of the English empire, and that's not saying much either, but now a lot of Pakistani people reside there, but here's what I know. To cut a long story short, people are not happy, but read on.

Do i need to say more about that paper?

My first experience with the News of the World paper wasn't quite so much what I read, but more a touch of what I could see and being a Catholic, seeing a page and being touched, say page 3 (look it up for yourself) and it touching you, could be a problem, it not touching you, could be a bit of an issue also, now that I’m a lapsed Catholic (and proud, I have more touches to my credit than the AFL footballer Gary Abblet in his footy statistics)

(Would it be too much to say here that around the same time in my life, I would write letters to the tooth fairy and Santa Clause, a practice I would continue doing, if only anything resulted from it?)


It appears that Australian Cricket team played the Pakistani’s in January, and there were all these, 'No balls', in the game, I’m thinking, how do people who have suffered testicular cancer feel about this? I for one couldn't care less. Australia won that game, or did they?

Much worse 'No balls' have been part of Aussie culture for years, if you’re a Kangaroo that is. Apparently, it was quite common for Australians to take the ball sack off of Kangaroos and make them into money pouches. Ouch…ouch….ouch….ouch!

Kangaroo (minus it's balls) coin pouch

To be fair, a lot more was at stake, money and now (the lack of) pride when the Pakistani guy's threw the no balls, about 1 million pounds later in some match fixer's pocket and his excessive blabbing, everything is up, the jig and all and instead of Kangaroos, they are now targeting Pakistani cricketers, are these Pakistani cricketers the new Kangaroos?

Vulchers not hovering

It would appear so, and the vulcher’s are hovering and getting very near (speaking of vulchers, I know a guy from Sydney we call ‘The Hawk’ that moves in pretty fast, especially if you get talking to a girl in a bar and completely dominates further conversation, but that’s another story, is there a connection?)

Should we not just feel sympathy for cricketers but also the people that watch cricket too? Maybe they need to be shown some love, instead of all this hate? Anyways, how can a 'No ball' make you richer than if you picked 6 balls in the lottery? The mind boggles.

Interestingly, the Essendon coach got sacked and was given a 1.2 million dollar, take your stuff and get the hell out of here, not bad? Maybe there is something to screwing up after all?

Back to Cricket, interestingly, Ireland (currently a financial sleeping tiger) beat Pakistan in the last cricket world cup, Ireland got as far as the World cup quarter final, not many people in Ireland were interested, or even cared. I think we gave it the same regard as if we were driving home from work and a pigeon hit the window shield, was the victorious Irish cricket game thrown too, or did Samson really beat Goliath fair and square with a rock planted squarely between its eyes?

In fact, to add to the Pakistani loss, their team coach got killed because of this illustrious win and I think that was the thing that got most peoples attention, in Ireland anyways, 'Why would someone get killed for a game that no one cares about', truth is stranger than fiction, after all fiction has to make sense and that made no sense? It's just not cricket mate!


Thrown games, murder, who has the balls do something? Where is the justice now? Is that too blind, will the balls in our heads go missing too? The whole world was watching that Cricket World cup too (not me). I don’t think the Irish people could give a fiddlers fart anyways, they'd probably switch the channel? It's just an English game to them, but so too is soccer and to be fair, it's hard to go on about a no ball in soccer, especially when every one can see the ball?

Point of information for Trivia fans, that i already knew, England have NEVER won a world cup in cricket

Life for the real people in Pakistan

But, maybe the match fixers wanted the money to help alleviate the plight of their people currently devastated by natural disaster? Maybe indeed, but it is a corrupt world and Pakistan is one of the most corrupt, this would at least make sense?

Shane

For what little I profess to know about Cricket, you can lay the blame squarely at the door of the infamous Shane Warne, for sparking this interest, Shane, who once proudly professed to 'Getting wickets against England was better than sex', that was funny too, until the News of the World (remember them?) newspaper set him up with 2 hookers, an all night session, (complete with an giant inflatable penis), the night before a big game and what did our Shane do next day?


Well, he went out and got an incredible score. Anybody else wouldn't have been able to walk and would have been sacked, in light of his run in with the News of the world! The girls said he was a great lover and then something news worthy happened in Iraq, the world wasn't interested any more and Shane news and it went from scandal to Shane an absolute living legend!
Dan Brown at home

And that's all I know about Cricket, maybe someone should give Dan Brown a call, maybe he could do a better job of this story than me?

Spring is here, it really is!

Photos are from Brunswick st

Spring is here, yes it is, and to prove this point I did a bit of spring cleaning in the yesterday day time. It would appear, this would be also be a 'sort of' measurement that I am, in fact, progressing further along in old the ageing process, this and the fact that I went out to buy a pair of shoes on Saturday, got the shoes at a garage sale, within 5 minutes of leaving my door, and now come Monday, I have 3 new pairs, but first let me explain.
You see, I was telling someone last week, I always go to the Artists market to get the necklace I got in Bolivia fixed, it broke when I was playing pool in The Dan, on Thursday night, so I’m getting into the $5 pints talking a shot and I look down as I stood on something, averting my eyeballs from the white ball, I thought, 'I know that necklace', and it was the necklace my shaman made for me in Bolivia over a year ago, after the Ahyuasca ceremony, the 2nd ceremony, so I pretty much knew what I was going to be doing on Saturday morning, before I even picked the necklace up on Thursday night at The Dan $1 taco night.

So after drinks on Friday after work, missing the gym due to this, having dinner with people that talked incessantly about sword fighting and attending 2 house parties and a stint at Bar open and Gypsy bar, I came home around 3am after Friday night (early for me), slept, woke up and progressed to the artist's market and I saw a sign for a 'Garage sale' and made a detour, as it turned out a female Americano was selling her Australian boyfriends new ankle boots for $10, in his presence, they didn't suit him I was told, they suited me and she told me so too? But that was all, she still wanted him, but not the shoes.

I got a Lonely Planet book for Japan for Trivia MC Deano, Deano had an interview to teach in Japan on the weekend and I got a DVD about Russian prison tattoos 'The mark of Cain' (sound familiar?) and off I went, feeling a very successful day was coming on.

I thought to myself, 'That was easy?' I saved myself about 2 hours of screwing around that I really didn’t want to do and I progressed to the Fitzroy artist's market to get my friend Nina to fix my necklace, again. The chain breaks every few weeks, the necklace is black alabaster (at last, I was told it is alabaster, but it is black).

Artists market

The necklace is a protector, the necklace along with my Foo dog and 2 Dragon tattoo's, sometimes I need all the help I can get, I get by with a little help of my friends and fixing the necklace is important, it's a good social outing too!

After the Gym on Saturday, coming back after sweating out the previous night at the sauna, I picked up new black loafers shoes, very nice and since it's nearly spring, they were giving away chicks boots by way of the word's 'Sales' and 'Now on', I discussed the practically of knee boots with a woman that was very keen on a pair, at a reduced price, she was checking them out in a mirror, I checked out the new loafers.


I pointed out in a few weeks everyone will be wearing sandals, but the boots I was informed were very comfy, and cheaper, they were on sale for god’s sake? Note 'cheaper', I bought new ankle boots for $10, I was beginning to question my purchase, but knee boots at any price in the Australia spring time, is a big mistake! But only in my opinion of course.


So, Sunday morning, the day of the sun, I arose to see the sun this time and not the other way around, waved goodbye to my guest and with the same hand I say hello to a neighbour, in my boxer shorts and hoddie, the sun was shining this Sunday and I was thinking the practicality of hoodies will soon be a thing of the past, but I couldn’t stand at my door naked, now could I?


Hoodies are a seasonal thing I’ve been led to believe, what to do now? 'Go to the gym Kieran' the brain says, of course! And I go!

So I make my pilgrimage, for my sins and they were too many to count and I saw a poster for a 'Garage sale', in the opposite direction, so off I went in the opposite direction, because you never know your luck? I feel very fortunate to be aware of this and off I went, in the opposite of the original direction. Legs take me north!


So, I finally came upon the Garage sale, not a garage in sight, but a rose by any other name wouldn't smell so sweet, garage sales too and it was down to business.

I spot a very fashionable basketball boots, in my size, the guy wants $40, I say no, no, he says, 'They are brand new', I know this, but as I rightly point out, 'It's the psychology of it', he looked confused.

One girl says, 'How about a t-shirt for $5', I didn't like the first one, but we keep going, pretty soon we are up to 6 shirts, most have their labels on, skater shirts, all brand new, hard to believe! The last one was questionable, I say to another girl, 'Would you sleep with a guy that wore this shirt', she says, 'I dunno, I’d have to take it off first', everyone laughs and I get the shirt that makes 7 and I say I’ll take the basketball boots too.

This is an artist's impression of how i looked

The girl says, 'Make him a deal', the guys says after much thought, '$50 bucks' for the 7 shirts and boots and I open my wallet, all I have left is $50, I tell them I feel like a pirate going back to my cave with my bounty.


So, I deposit the bounty and off I go again, take 2, to the gym and I’m on such a roll with the buying, I call into a factory outlet, for a look, after and I spot my new corporate work pants, $30, how can I say no? I’m told they are worth $200 each, normally.

I get 2 in the end, the girl another Americano, gives me a label to indicate 2 items as I try on the pants in the change room, I say,

'Thank you, I’ll cherish this precious gift for ever'

It was a Sunday morning, after all, maybe a bit too early for some, but I got the worm, I was on top of the world. Then I bought a cap, 2 scarfs. Then I went to the gym.

After the gym I stopped off at the library and I got a book I ordered called 'The ginger man', a book that was recommended by someone, I know this because I read it the same place your reading this and home I went to clean everything up, re-organise things, find space for the new and get rid of some old things. What a successful day, quite an achievement. Everything was great in the world


Now, I’ve been thinking about buying a belt, with a cool buckle, has consumerism bit me too? I used to be so immune before, now I like looking at nice things and shopping for stuff I used to just live without, eBay would never consume me, but garage sales and shopping in Melbourne, yes!

But now, I’ve discovered, I like this form of consumerism and that, is just fine by me.

Sometimes you’re a cat, sometimes you’re a cat in a bin

And to prove my point, click your mouse at this

So, my colleagues (if I had bad spelling that easily could have read 'my collages' or 'my colleges', but alas, no) are tired of my place of employment and specifically what they are employed to do, which is sometimes, nothing at all and if it's something, it something not very important.
Louis

But not me, I’m not tired at all, not yet anyways, I was recanting this with colleague Debbie yesterday as she was sucking the life out of a cigarette, I was telling her about the 'Louis Theroux' documentary about 'San Quentin' and how terrifying it looked, and one guy was in for 521 years, plus more, so I was saying, compared to that, I didn't mind coming to work at all. this is a holiday in comparison and I do get paid a lot, to do not very much and as they say in the old country, 'When the sun is shining, make hay', I’m currently sunning myself on the hay, watching everybody make the hay, is this such a bad thing?


Debbie’s response to my observation was, 'Yes, but your not a criminal Kieran', and I suppose she has a point, I might have stole a few hearts in my time, but nothing went to any court room, so any 'jail time' was averted and I’m a free man! Praise the lord!


In the documentary, they put one transsexual in a cell with a straight guy, and low and behold, they are like a married couple, the transsexual was on about how other inmates would try and drag 'her' into their cells, so as to try and make a home out of the cell, not that I’d be trying to drag any colleague away and make a home with them, it's never really crossed my mind, until now?

I really like not having to have lunch with this guy

But, I’ve already got a home and I like it the way it is, thank you very much, I think I’ll stay there and law abiding, for the time being anyways.

So, I suppose, that would make me a cat, sunning themselves and defiantly not in the bin, you never know where those bins have been anyways?

I was recanting this 'Cat in the bin' video story to Steward, my new neighbour/work colleague last night over $1 tacos and $5 pints, sur what else would you talk about?

I was telling him, that video is probably one of the most watched on the net or even world, now?

But Imagine if you will, for a moment, if that woman in the video was your mum or your auntie, and every cat lover, and some people with nothing better to do, saw that video and decided to spread some hate towards your mum, who, if I might add, might make great ham sandwitches and be perfectly normal, in every sense, except cat sense, horse sense and maybe a little bit of something common, which is not common at all?

Do you think he's a cat lover?

But on the positive side, and maybe being a touch 'upbeat', cats do have 9 lives and come to think of it '50 Cent' was shot 9 times, is there a connection there? Since my housemate and myself are rarely at home, I take the bins out every 3 weeks, so there is plenty of room in the bins, for rubbish of course

Further research has revealed the cat woman in the video is a good little church worker, and sings in a choir, if you don’t mind?

Maybe people should just mind their own business and should let sleeping dogs (and now cats) lie?

Peek a boo, i see you!!

Last night as I walked home, my neighbour cat ran down the road to meet him and gave him a 'meow' and went in the door with him, I had to laugh. The same cat sometimes gives me a 'meow' when he's hanging out by my place and I give him one back, like a regular 'Dr Doolittle', and doing little is what I do best; ask anyone that knows what's really going on!!

I'm on the look out, for YOU!!!!

Photos are from Sneachta + Minnes puppie, 'Mira Bella'

So there i am,

So, there I am, thinking I’d better write something and someone that lives with their cat sends everyone a mail about someone that left something on the sink, well, I had to respond and let that person know that I for empathised with them......at least!
Here's what went down.......

Everyone recieved this

To the person who left the breakfast bowl and spoon in the sink this morning, the "Kitchen Fairy" hasn't touched it. Please return to the sink and put into a dishwasher.

To the person that left the Pot and Steamer on the cooktop, please wash in sink and put them back where you got them from. (Maybe from night shift???).

Remember think twice before you next leave a mess or utensils in / on the sink.....Someone will see you...and say something to YOU.

I replied

Hi XXX

Maybe it would be beneficial to everyone on this level if there was a workshop on how to use a kitchen, like they do for people that have lived in the bush?
Maybe this approach would be more pro-active in moving forward, this would also mean a decrease in informative mails regarding a (no dish running away with a) spoon, which I love reading, it makes me feel important and special receiving such communication.

Only this morning, I observed a woman leave her cutlery on the sink and when I pointed out to her to put it in the dishwasher, who was full, it would appear a 'Don’t ask, don’t tell' (much like the army and the AFL) process was in order, she still walked away and maybe that’s what university will do to people? It wasn't her problem, or so it seemed? I tried!

Maybe we should stop hiring people that have been to University?
In my mind the main reason people leave cutlery on the sink is largely due to the fact people are afraid of emptying the dishwasher and/or turning it on, maybe you would like to correspond with the people delegated to the kitchen roster? Maybe this fear can be rectified?


Have you ever tried living in a house, with other people? Waking up with beer cans all over the place? So far, I haven't seen any beer cans, but I’ll be on the look out and you'll be the first one to know.

If you’re Aussie, come into the Parliament, a hung parliament?

Now, I’m not the kind of guy that gets ideas, or should I say, an ideas man, I am not.

Al-Qa'eda's ideas man

So, I was viewing the latest Fred Negro cartoon, in Wednesdays 'Inpress magazine',  the main reason I check it out every Wednesday, is for his cartoon, he's a nice guy, even my mom said it.

So, he couldn't think of anything to draw for this latest publication, apart from starting his cartoon with a scrotum, a male one, very hung and why wouldn't you, if you had one? Or was it in honour of the 'Australian hung parliament'?

Freds cartoon

But, you just have to love the Aussies, I try and love them the weekend, I do my best, I really do and sometimes it's enough, only sometimes, and theres a bit of a drought on the week days where I drink copious amounts of water. And now the water levels are at 40.2 %, water restrictions have been officially lifted, hurrah!! Water for everybody, except, oh no, summer is very on the way, they might need to save a few drops for that, or else they'll be hanging for a drop too.


Now, that could have been an idea for me, but no, no bells were going off in my head after reading that cartoon, was I looking at the pictures or reading the words, I know what you’re thinking? Did he grab his balls? I guess we'll never know?

Now, I came in from the toilet, 'Dum de dum' and a chick I work with Anna was doing a bit of a pose drinking her coffee (coffee from the machine isn't good enough for some on our level and it's not bad) Anna don't get paid in magic beans or coffee beans, it's nice for some, eh, so she buys her own.

Anna starts spouting about hanging out and the hung parliament, Kieran's brain goes 'Bang' and that's what the 'El Ranto' will be about today, I will not be mentioning anything about old Saddam, he was well hung too, I believe, if all reports are to be believed?

Also, I won’t be referring to a cowboy that was featured on 'Louis Theroux and the brothel' Documentary I watched last night, the first guy had a ginormous cock, if the blond was to be believed? Asians have ones a bit bigger than your little finger, Louis said, 'That's racist', but if you were a working girl, there is a big difference between a stallion (please refer to the cartoon above, featuring 'Horskins' viewing himself in a mirror) size and your little finger it’s genetics or something, but if you knew much about genetics, what would you be doing working in a brothel? Research I suppose, for one of them at least

Note to reader:
Horskins is not to scale, so don’t go taking him literally

Come to think of it (no pun intended), the most disturbing thing about that documentary was how one chick working at the brothel, that had a husband introduced herself as '21 going on 12', And, how did they know paedophiles in the brothel?

Because the paedophiles would pick the chick that 'looked' about 12, that was actually 21 and had a husband, in financial trouble, that loved sex, so I suppose everybody was a winner there?

Doesn't look like much of a cat house, eh?

The Madam of the 'Cat house' as Clint Eastwood would say, thought it was fine the paedophiles would go to the brothel and not some local school and I suppose that was a good point?

Living in da Nile

I still use these things

So, I was thinking, thinking is a symptom and since nothing was being translated through the 'old fingertips', by way of all this thinking and a device called a keyboard.
Now, I was reading that you can think things and search the net, no typing, just thinking, no typing, handy, except, how do you 'Not' download porn you tell yourself you don’t want to watch, but you really do?
Well something in you wants it, I’ll just stick to the old keyboard and tap away, I’m either old fashioned or in denial, not in the Nile although I have been in that too, and I was lucky not to get some insect feast on me, that everyone was going on about

I did a bit of this in the Nile, your not supposed to, Eeek?

Now, down to business, I was racking my brains about what to write, right, fight about. Couldn't think of a thing and reviewing work test cases wasn't going too well, since it's someone else’s work and I think it's all wrong. I'll just say that, no comments, no corrections, it's all fucked, thank you, next? What's next?

Ok, back to this, now, back to what I wanted to say, as is my habit, or want on a Monday, after Cork have played. And did they, Cork faced off against the Dubs on Sunday, midnight here on a Sunday night, and if memory serves me, I was in no condition to see that game, a crazy long weekend, sleep and bed were calling
So back to the Football, Gaelic football, Cork came out on top with a one point win, great comeback towards the end. I met a guy watching the replay game on Monday night, as soon as I saw him he said, 'Don’t tell me the score', and you see I didn't tell him before, he just overheard me tell Waterford Dave the score on the phone the last time, that’s how we started talking.

Just after the game started Waterford Dave turned up, his first question was 'Who won', oh no, I wasn't going to be falling for that one, no way, not again!

It turns out the Aussie guy, that likes watching Cork (he had impeccable taste) play, has 2 babies, 3 months old.
Even cats like the stuff

He was telling me, the nurses were instructing him about 'Baby massages', and I thought it was funny, drinking Guinness, watching a Cork game, talking about baby massages, no wonder the world is gone to hell, global warming, now this, but I jest, global warming isn't happening at all, just ask Tony Abbot, roughly 50% (not the smart ones) of Australians voted for him, hard to believe, I know!

Keeping it real, but first I’ll try and keep myself vertical

So, I watched one of many documentary's by Louis Theroux, one of which was 'Gangster rap', now, one of the terms that came up was 'Keeping it real' is of course is about 'Being yourself', rap about who you are and your experiences, interesting, I think, all you have to do is just be yourself

So if you from the 'hood' you rap about the hood, if you reside in Beverly Hills, you spit rhymes about losing the remote control, for the glass roof, or Maria, the illegal Mexican house keeper, wow, it must be an exciting life to live, and since you live it, you rhyme about it.

What happened you ask?

So anyways, myself and the Eagle went to the Espy for Aussie Hip hop on Friday night, very good, free gig, expensive drinks, the last guy was M-Phases, some other guys from Adelaide, all very good, from what I can remember and there are 5 new numbers in my phone from the weekend, 3 are a complete mystery to me and I just deleted one my mistake, you do the math, so it must of been a good weekend?

Went to Waterford Dave's house party on Saturday night, he had a 'Creatures of the night' party, Dave went as a Ninja,

Ninjas in other parts of the world

The Eagle went as gangster (a blood stained) shirt, I went as a swinger, in a psychedelic shirt I got for a $1, in a garage sale, groovy baby yeah!
There was another Louis Theroux documentary about swingers, porn, did you know there are 'things' called 'Stunt cocks’? and I was very happy to have been introduced to the term 'Gay for pay', looking at my bank statement will never be the same ever again.

I like to think i looked a bit like this

I may or may not paid of the swinger shirt, the girl at the garage sale that sold it said a few times, 'That will be a $1', and this was strange to me because I thought I paid for it already, and I was going to give her (another) dollar, it was worth $2 and more, until the chick that was selling couldn't remember for sure if I gave her the dollar in the first place, so she said, just take it, and I did, it looks fabulous on me I hope, some people thought it was a great costume, I sure is and all for a dollar, or less.

Later after the house party when we were trying to get into Revolver, the Eagle was still in costume and a method actor, he aint. The bouncer asked The Eagle if he had been fighting and was looking at him up and down, he did look like an extra in the 'Valentine day massacre', nope, just a clean, blood stained shirt.

Valentine day massacre

So after a hectic weekend, you'd think I would have stayed in last night, but no, I woke up and off I went to play pool with London Andy, yesterday was a beautiful day, so I was told, I woke up when it was dark, I was certainly living up to 'Creature of the night' theme all weekend, so, off I went for a Napier bar to meet Andy for beer, pool and the infamous 'Bogan burger', the burger has to be my most favourite food in the world, right now, it is awesome!!

Valentine day massacre
 
It's winter in Melbourne, the sun is shining, the worst of the winter is over, August i supposed to be the coldest, August you are nearly over, get out of my sight already, out with the old, in with the new, it should be happy days from here on in, and if I can manage to get home early enough to sleep and get up in the morning times with sunshine, thanks god, I will be very happy indeed, and why not? You'd think it would be the easiest thing in the world to do? How hard could it possibly be?

Love in an elevator, or is love an elevator?

So, work being work and safety being what it is and I won’t even go on about Aussies that like wearing socks while having sex, in other parts of the world they use condoms, maybe one day they will catch on here?

So, for one of yesterdays meating's I had to attend, they had a safety topic about 'Near misses' and the more they went on about it, my mind is ticking, (not tocking, not at that point ) but in a much different way, it would appear from the looks of everyone else in the room.


Health and safety say, 'Near misses' and 'near misses' and my mind cranks up a bit of Coldplay, the lyrics 'and the truth is, I miss you, I miss you...', I sure do and I’m not sure what I miss and now (today as I write this) my mind is switched to the start of this Dr Dre song 'Fuck you'
It starts off with a 'Miss you' theme also, in case your wondering where this is all headed.


The memory for the song 'Fuck you' DRE song is when I was helping my ex's friend Bambi move house after a very 'emotional' break up with some guy that was more interested in banging other chicks, fair enough i guess, he never made a secret of it anyway, what was the problem?

I'm driving and we are stopped at the lights, the Intro for the DRE 'Fuck you' song from the 2001 album, the Chronic comes one, it's an emotional chick, expressing her love for DRE (oh, very lovely, nice, very emotional answer machine message), DRE cuts in, not so nice, I had to laugh, the chick Bambi laughed too, but you must listen to it for yourself, there is no point in me telling you, it would spoil it! So check it out!
Now Dr DRE reminds me when I moved in to a house in Carlton North, I swore I wouldn't EVER like rap music, I was pretty vocal about this too, I was too much into Jazz, John Coltrane ect to like any of that stuff.

John Coltrane

 Marty Friedman and the like were my heroes (and still is) but I was correctly informed that, yes you will like this music, in 3 months I loved rap music and it was all true.

Marty

 After incessant playing of Eminem, Dr Dre and the Wu-Tang Clan, my house probably resembled one a torture music chamber in Guantanamo bay, except I was just getting into it

Guantamano bay

I really did and my music tastes progressed then to electronic and other abstract journey kind of music, with no start or finish
Probably the Coldplay song, 'and I miss you’ reminds me of driving on highways, in sunny afternoons, cruising, oh happy days, coming back from surfing, maybe, long time ago.


Eminem

So, back to the Health and safety meating, we are in a meating, I’m taking notes, but not work notes (dum de dum, no beats) to do with what’s going on with the 4 walls of the room.

No, I’m writing about what’s going on in the confines of my cranium, the previous day Health and safety risk was mentioned, 'What happened you say?' After all, that would be the logical thing for you to think?


Well the other day, after another meating a bunch of 'colleagues' and I (use of correct English grammar there folks, ok no more showing off), I press 14 in the elevator (this is our level and off we go, like the elevator out of Willy wonka and the chocolate factory), except this elevator (of love?) decides to stop and go downwards, this is not good, I press the next level to get out Level 9, so to get out there.

A miagical elevator ride

But this elevator has a mind of it's own, now it wants to go down and fast, someone wants to press 'Stop', I say 'And do what? Have a cup of tea?' Elevator drops again.


People panic, since I’ve pretty much done everything I want to do in life anyways, I don’t really care, I say, 'Oh, no we're going to die', to the woman next to me and laugh, what could i do? It was funny to me?

Now it would appear there are a lot of people that are afraid of dying, they seem afraid of living too, so what the hell are they doing at all? Are they in limbo, dancing?

Some of my collegues at a work function BBQ in limbo

Here's the mail I sent our Safety person when I was asked to fill out a 'Near miss' health and safety form.

Hi XXX

What if you think your too old and plummeting to your own 'Ground zero' from somewhere between level 9 and 10 would be a good way to 'go out'?


I was planning on jumping at the very end, of course.

Think what the royalties would be worth to me, maybe a book deal, work would be just a faint memory? I could have even been interviewed my Eddie Mc Guire and received a signed Collingwood jersey, which i would have burnt, of course.

Anyways, thanks for your interest.

 Regards
Kieran

All's well that ends well, the elevator apparently know what was good for it and decided to behave it's self and bring us to level 14, some were a bit shaken, I was felling quietly reassured, I have no regrets in life at all.

p.s.
We have been told to not use that lift no, so i sent another mail

Hi XXX

Do you think that lift is responsible for so many people after leaving the program?


I mean if you had a 'near miss' and while the lift is retreating towards the place where you bought coffee and just then while you have flash backs of you first holy communion, you realise all you really wanted to do in life is save the baby hippo's in Africa, or feed them at the zoo?
Maybe you might need to inform the HR department about the lift ?

Regards


Kieran

Who were the first boat people?

So, maybe I got the idea for this from the story I did entitled 'Who were the first stoners?' Maybe this might turn into a series?

Introducing Tony

Wanna be-a-queen-bee-Prime-Minister, one Mr Tony Abbott of course, is making some good promises, but, 'Word's can be lies and lies are no good when there's tears in your eyes' as a Mr Phil Lynnott would have said, but more importantly, what would Phil Lynnott say if he laid eyes on Mr Abbott's Speedos.

Introducing Phil

Does Mr Abbott have a pair of leather pants? He certainly has the cut for budgie smugglers, as we all know, I know what your thinking, 'Leather budgies'?


But down to business...
There will be many tear drenched eyes if Tony win's the election, the man of god Tony will wreak havoc on the high seas for the people escaping miserable existences

Tony Abbott wants to 'Stop the boat people', fair enough you think? But, why? If you come to an isolated continent, in a leaky boat, shouldn't you be given a medal?

Kids today I seems have mummy driving them everywhere, are wrapped in cotton wool and cant get on a tram by them selves, wouldn't refugees kids bailing water on the high seas with a plastic cup be encouragement for kids, 'Keep bailing water or we're all dead kid', at least you'd know you were alive, until death comes knocking.


Refugee boat people are not coming to steal all your gold, rape, pillage, steal your beautiful women as the Vikings pillaged and maimed Ireland and the list goes on, but first let me explain.

A Viking

Well, let me tell you this Australia, speaking as a European of course, when it comes to boat people, people smugglers and budgie smugglers (see Mr Abbott above), Australia gets off too easy.

From about 550 AD till the battle of Hastings in 1066, a band of bearded fellows, unlike ZZ Top, the Vikings roamed Europe, they went everywhere, from Russia to (a not so Europe) America, they weren't too well received by the native Indians in the old US of A.

ZZ Top

The Vikings didn't have thunder sticks like the Europeans did when they went there, so the Vikings cut their losses there and headed back to what is now the law abiding EU, such remorse was felt in Denmark a few years ago for all the terrible things they did to us that they officially said 'Sorry', which was very nice, but all I want is all the beautiful women they stole, back, they can keep the gold.

Round towers, one of many all over the coast of Ireland

Now when the Vikings rolled into town, they did a bit of raping and pillaging, like a regular day St Kilda football team, this is why monks built round towers all over Ireland, in Australia, mobile phone companies are building towers, but this is not to safeguard valuable religious and historic icons of any sort, but I like the idea. But we did get a 'Sorry' after about 500 years of this hostile Viking treatment, so who are we to complain? They are sorry now, it's all kiss and make up now.


But to be fair, a Danish rapist (Eric Van Der White) did found what’s now know as Dublin, it's a little known fact and you wont hear too many people talk about it either, they settled all over the west coast, Wexford and Waterford and now they are nice places, so there is hope for St Kilda yet, maybe I’ll live there some time, in about 500 years or so, if it's still possible and affordable, I won't hold my breath.


Viking boat

So if your to blame anyone Australia for boat people, blame the Danish, they started it all, in fact they gave the English the idea of building boats, until the battle of Hastings, the English didn't have a navy, the Vikings took a beating in the battle of Hastings and found god, realised their time was up and headed back to Dublin and Roskilde in Denmark with a bit of 'row row, row your boat' magic.

The Vikings converted to Christianity and lived happily ever after, waiting for Jesus to come back, they’re still waiting in fact. They did prepare for an attack for foreign forces, by sinking ships in the port in Roskilder, so only locals knew how to navigate the way home, and not hate filled revenge seeking foreigners wanting their sisters back, after all it's what you'd expect, but maybe they didn't have any 'Karma' in those daze and they were left alone to prey, Amen to that.

At the Battle of Clontarf, didn't a retreating Viking chop of the head of the high king of Ireland, Brian Boru as he said his prayers to the same god, where is the Karma for the Danish?

If the Vikings wernen't bad enough, enter stage left England, starving and killing Irish must have become such a bore, plus England got kicked out of America, boo hoo, the mighty English lion, lick your wounds after those Christians, where to next? Britania rule the world wasn't excatly working out to plan.

Now the English towards the end of persecuting the Irish race, a period that roughly lasted 800 years, though the best thing to do after taking any means we had to feed or provide for ourselves was send us off to Van Diemen’s land, which wasn't a part of the map of Australia in 1954 Olympics, in Australia, if you were looking at an official map at the time. Van Dieman's land is no place for a man, a bit like some streets in Sadam Hussein's Bagdad, Iraq, not on the map, but they very much existed. ht


The only Karma I can think in any of this is, is there is no one now that resembles a Viking in Scandinavia, men in Sweden are more weight conscious that women some pluck their eyebrows, is that the sweet justice, where's the Karma god?


Anyways, I hope the Australian government rectifies this ongoing boat people problem and goes to the source and bans all Danish people, after all, it's all their fault!!!

They inspired the English Empire state of mind Engish and the rest as they say is History, and that's why your all here on this side of the world, in winter time, it's summer time on the other side of the world!!

Summer time in Europe, exciting, eh?