Get fat or die trying, Jay Z style

This is the dream, for some, or is it?

Like all great investigative journalists or journos in Oz, (that’s Australia to you) you name your sources, the printed ones at least.

Now, I’m coming clean on this one. Just about the only reading (words and pictures) I do on a regular basis is 'The age' newspaper, plus the online version, but, not while I’m eating my chips, it's feeding time at the zoo then and multi tasking was never really 'my thing' anyways, I’m a regular seaside seagull!

I love chippies

So, I was reading the free Mx guide that everyone reads while going home on public transport yesterday having a $10 steak from my local and this caught my eye..............

U2 are coming to town, this is nice, my friend Dave (who's buying tickets) asked me if I was going to see them this morning and my prompt reply was, 'I couldn't really care about them, but I want to see Jay-Z'. Now, you see Jay is supporting the 4 lads from North Dublin, just 4 lads, in a band that is exempt from Irish Tax laws and why would they? When they are registered as a Dutch band, paying no tax at all? Playing all over the world, calling themselves Irish and the rest of it, if they are bigger than Jesus, its just cos they haven’t admitted it. Bono, are you listening?

So, Bono and the lads really need to be a billionaires you see, there aren't many of them around, billionaires that is and that appears to be their role in life, nice work U2. They are like 2 headed giraffes, fair play to you Bono for all your work, with giraffes!

Artists impression of Bono

Anyways, back to Jay-Z, I heard he's busy planning his retirement, another one. After watching Eminem make him look like an amateur a few weeks ago on the roof top of the Letterman show, who could blame him? He did say we were about to witness something truly amazing and as it turned out, it was Eminem, how right he was?

Jay-Z going to the Island

Now, on top of the yachts, private island, wines and fine cigars you'd expect a boy that grew up in the projects in Marcy, Brooklyn to require in their ripe old ages of 40, he has announced to my great surprise that he is looking forward to getting 'Fat', yep, looking forward to it. Which, in it's self is interesting, because i was thinking the same thing, about  the Brando bit, he already claims to be the lyrical Sinatra.

Brando

He's not going to let it creep on them (like anyone else his age); he's got it all arseways, if you ask me?

Coming from where he is from, the streets, rapping about Crack, drugs and the like, for you never meet a fat junkie now do you? Once a junkie dealer wanted to make a sale to me in Bourke St here in Melbourne, I politely pointed at my 'then' beer belly and that was the end of that, deal was off, but that was then, a thing of the past, beer belly and all.

Jay-Z, could Brando and J be related?

With Crack the weight just falls off of you and now there is no Notorious BIG, there is room for a fat rapper, could Jay-Z be the man? I'm not sure if Jay-Z tunes are as FAT as Biggie's though?

Could there be a come back album for a fat guy rapping about 'Island life', where the lyrics Jay would spit are about how he ‘mysteriously' gets half a bucket of sand in his crack? It would be a long way from the days in Brooklyn to be fair? Is this called progress? Too much naked ambition, maybe?

People smil at you, if your not chubby

 What I can’t understand now, is, if you've been thin your whole life, in a Rap industry of mostly thin people, then why would you like to be fat? Fat people after all get treated like crap. The more weight I lose, the more doors are opened for me, people treat you better, chicks smiling at me left right and centre and I can see bits of chicken on their wisdom teeth too (in some dreams, some)

Trouble brewing

I got to the gym now most days, last night I ate a half a bag of 'Salt and Vinegar' chips with chocolate after being at the gym and felt a bit guilty, this morning I woke up early and I was back at the gym by 7.20am, am folks!!

The times are a changing, Mr Bob Dillon was right after all about things changing, but he didn't say when.

Introducing Beyonce

Now, Jay raps about having the hottest girl in the game, she's got a name too, it's Beyonce. Has he consulted Beyonce in any of this? I'm sure she might have a different opinion sharing a bed with a fat guy that smells of fine wine and cigars, good cigars or otherwise?

Will he also be looking forward to getting his prostate checked by a doctor with fat fingers? Maybe he will, after Beyonce disappears on a cruise with the local pool guy?
I remember attending a play in Ireland when I was 16 about a young girl that is in love with a local lad, but her parents match her up with an old fat farmer, he was really fat. I remember saying 'Imagine him on top of her', and I got laughs from all around!

For the truth, if you can believe it is, you really wouldn't want to imagine much, in a romantic embrace like that, you'd have nightmares for the next 10 years that would always end in you waking up in a sweat drenched bed screaming from being attacked by a renegade bunch of whales, blue ones! Aghh!!


If all this were to eventuate and this dream retirement came about (for only one person). What mechanism would Beyonce use to cope with any/all of this retirement growth? Would she have a direct line to Greenpeace and get them to tow Jay out to sea if things got out of hand?

These guys will be on 24 hour alert

I can almost see Jay on his Island in paradise, but a bit like the renegade General (played by Brando, above) in Francis Ford Coppola's movie 'Apocalypse Now', maybe he would rap about island life, not really gangster, now is it?

Gangster Island life

But where will Beyonce be in all of this, does she share the same retirement plan, after all there will come an age when the phone will stop ringing for her anyways, will the island even have a telephone? The logical thing for her would be to keep doing what you’re doing, until that day comes?

Zsa Zsa

Who knows, she could be the next Zsa Zsa Gabor of her time?